Matt Dickens

Monkey Run

The chaos began before they’d even made it to the start line, with one bus falling apart and doing its best impression of a clown car, and one of our monkeys getting run over at a petrol station and very nearly losing a foot. Perfect.


Here then, in no particular order whatsoever, are our top 10 stupidest moments from the Monkey Run Morocco January 2023.


1. “I ploughed my head into the sand for some good deceleration.”Francis Conlon

Whilst test driving in the Sahara, Mr Francis decided the best thing to use to curb that damn terrifying velocity that only a monkey bike can pump out, would be his face. As daft as it sounds, it seems to have worked. To those concerned, his face looked just as bad after the incident as it did before, so there’s no need to worry.


2. “Well, we had a lovely course laid out for the highly official and much-coveted Sahara Sand Driving Championship, then some fuckwit bulldozed it.” – Matt Dickens

Ah, nothing like working in events to aid rapid hair loss. Our eighth-favourite slaphead Mr Matt knows all too well about both these things.


3. “We met the most random people, showing up in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. They just appear exactly when needed as if by magic.”Schuyler Lifschultz

After deciding on a wonderfully foolish shortcut between the gorges, Mr Schuyler was blessed enough to experience a flat tyre in the middle of nowhere. For those of you who like a euphemism, he then struggled with his nuts and by trying to fiddle with them, just managed to bugger them up. Alone, he started the 20km walk to the next village. Sadly, some overly-helpful locals came past at some point and offered him a lift. Shame.


4. “When traversing the High Atlas, one wears 5 pairs of pants to increase your chance for success.”Caleb Arceneaux

Not content with a mere five pairs of trousers (they’re American, hence the use of ‘pants’. We presume they don’t mean they were wearing 5 pairs of cacks), the ladies from team “Where is Clutch?” Also bought what looked like some dog grooming gloves to battle the cold of the high Atlas. Strangely enough, this level of Monkey-chic hasn’t even hit the catwalks of Milan… yet.


5. “We drove 60km to a Mcdonald’s that didn’t exist, only to find a google review telling us exactly that.” – Henry James

And this is exactly why you should never forsake the power of the tagine over some god-awful fast food. Serves them right.


6. “we’re basically laying between 2 pieces of tarp, like some sort of cursed sandwich.” – Francis Conlon

We don’t judge those who prefer to monkey in style and treat themselves to swanky hotels with plush robes and spas. We do feel sorry for them though. They’re simply not able to revel in such overnight delights as a piece of tarpaulin badly strung between two sweaty men with just rocks as a mattress and pestilence as a pillow – in the rain. They don’t know what they’re missing.


7. “We learnt many things, never to drink camel milk – especially when it’s still warm, and that you apparently need an angle grinder to fix a broken accelerator cable. Say what you will, it worked though.”George Whithey

“Oat, soy, coconut, or camel?” Pretty bloody unlikely you’ll hear this from your local barista, and probably for good reason. George and pals found out all too well that freshly squeezed camel milk is a marvellous way to give your guts a good purge. We’ll let your imaginations do the rest. Frappe anyone?


8. “His monkey goes either full throttle or nothing, so I decided to tow him by tying the rope around the most secure part of the bike – myself. I literally feel like I’ve been torn in two.” – Francis Conlon


“The towing was an absolute fucking disaster and I’m very glad I wasn’t involved in any way other than to point and laugh.” – Henry James

Sometimes, the fan and the shit decide to have a good ol’ knees up in the pub and there’s just no getting around it. Which is when you need to get creative with the tow rope. Can you even call somebody a true friend if they don’t relocate their spleen just for you?


9. “Snow conditions are marginal, so much for skiing in Africa.”Mike Elhard

A mere 6 painful hours uphill at approximately 4mph was all it took for Mr Mike, Ms Kate and Mr Nick to discover that there was no snow on the peaks this year. Something they could have found out in approximately 6 seconds by using a mobile phone, or even by asking someone. Anyone really. We heartily applaud their old-school approach though. Heroes.


10. “I’ve carried 5kg-10kg of rocks since day two, they’ve been digging into my back the whole time.” – Francis Conlon

Morocco’s a tad on the dry side nowadays, though back in the days when oil was dinosaur-shaped, it used to be underwater. This means there are fossils and rocks being sold everywhere. For a reason that we’ve not yet worked out, our Monkeys always seem to stock up – normally in the first couple of days rather than waiting until they’ve nearly finished. Imbeciles. 


11. Bonus stupid: “Went to put air in the tyres and burnt my head on the exhaust.” – George Withey

Speaking of Imbeciles, let’s finish with this chief prat who channelled his inner Harry Potter and decided to introduce his forehead to his boiling hot exhaust pipe. Now that’s a story for the pub. If you want everyone to laugh at you, rather than with you.


Of course it’s going to be stupid. You’re taking an adorable yet laughable attempt at a motorbike from the Sahara, across the Atlas Mountains to a finish line hidden in yet another desert near Marrakesh. Apart from the usual bedlam that is unavoidable when taking part in any of our Monkey Runs, this host of extra-curricular nonsense we witnessed was just as it should be.


Need some stupid in your life? Well, then you’re in luck. We’re looking for a couple more monkeys to join us for the Morocco edition in May. We also still have spots left in October. Hit the link above, join us and craft your own flavour of foolishness.

Matt Dickens

Monkey Run

Similar updates