When Mr Tom, grinning like a prick, unveiled it in the Adventurists warehouse, I thought he’d finally lost that last marble jangling around in his forsaken bonce. Turns out, I was right.

When it comes to the best all-terrain vehicle on the planet, there’s only one clear winner. It’s probably not what you’re thinking though. Unless you’re thinking of a Lilliputian motorbike with the power of a dirty sock tossed into a breeze by a bored child. A motorbike with badly thought-through design and parts crafted from the finest Chinesium – in which case, it’s exactly that.

This then, is it. A Monkey Bike. Engineered from pure hope and genius by a bunch of people who were, quite simply, taking the piss.

We’re not saying our monkey bikes are good necessarily. They’re not, they’re shit. But that is precisely what makes them so damn perfect. They’re sort of little nuggets of adventuring gold hiding in your Cornetto. Waiting for you to break your teeth on and leaving you with a grin like a kicked-in fence plastered on your face.

And shit as they may be, they will bring a smile to even the grumpiest of faces. Think Tommy Lee Jones first thing in the morning. That’s a face that could grate cheese from 50 yards. Then imagine him straddled upon a monkey. He’ll be beaming with joy and squealing like a piglet at its first birthday party. Guaranteed. They’re just so damn loveable, and whilst we don’t use the word “fun” much, there’s no better word for the sensation of steering one towards the unknown. Funnerer, maybe?

Stature

Size-wise, they seem to be designed for actual monkeys. And none of those hench baboon fuckers either. We’re talking normal-sized monkeys. Like the little annoying bastards that tear off your windscreen wipers in a safari park or the ones you might see down the pub. Well, if your pub happens to be full of smallish monkeys anyway.

The wheels are about as big as an average dinner plate. Absolutely ideal for getting you almost everywhere slowly, except anywhere useful. Superb for burying themselves in the sand like an angry gerbil on meth, for getting lost in modest potholes, or for simply making even the slightest bump in the road feel like the grand piano of adventure being dropped on you from a great height. A design masterclass.

Of course, it’s not only the wheels which are smaller than Warwick Davis’s pants. Everything is perfectly to scale. Unlike Warwick Davis. This means you have a luggage rack about the size of a packet of crisps. So utterly pointless in fact, we had to give it its own blog.

The handlebars are reminiscent of Twiglets, and the pedals are pretty much matchheads. This is especially handy when your fat feet are trying to change gears, you fail miserably and fall over – giving everyone around you a jolly good laugh at your pitiful, optimistic expense.

Their diminutive physical size means they’re easy to pick up when they crap their pants [Pic: Mongolians lifting bikes – there are loads of these]. Something Mongolians seem to like a little too much for comfort. So when it breaks down, you can easily chuck it in the back of a passing vehicle to get it to a mechanic, or a petrol station, or wherever the hell it is you want to take it. It also means you can sneak them into hotel lobbies on an evening. You don’t want your beloved monkey catching a chill now, do you?

Power

The engine is about as useful as a soup sandwich. A mighty 49cc of raw power that can easily take you along on a flat road at imposingly average speeds. Steep hills are no problem for our monkeys. Well, as long as they’re downhill anyway. Any kind of upward incline, and your beast will offer you the opportunity to take in the views at your leisure, and maybe even have a nice walk. We don’t want you getting fat, after all. With top speeds sometimes more than 40mph, you can be sure you won’t miss a single moment. Not that you’d want to go much faster than that. When you’re about an inch and a half off the ground, even 20mph feels like you’re about to smash through the sound barrier.

Slow and small means that it’s not normally much of a problem when you inevitably fuck it up and your face meets the dirt too. It’s a bit like falling off a slow-moving floor. Our monkey bikes are nice like that.

Prowess

Ridiculous as they are though, we have to hand it to the little blighters, they are nothing but tenacious. Over the past 10 years, thousands of riders have hurled them at deserts, jungles, mountain ranges, and more than a million miles of off-road tracks and they just keep going. It’s uncanny really, and surprising as fuck. When you first set eyes on them, you think it’s a stupid idea. Which it is. But it’s passed right through stupid like a dose of salts. It’s come out the other end with an untamed fury and comedy which you can only understand once you’ve introduced your arse to its seat and taken it for a spin.

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Don’t just take our word for it, listen to your arse. They don’t always talk shit. With £150 off the 10 year anniversary edition this January, you too can find out just how superb these little mechanical wonders are.

They are miraculous, absurd and charming beyond all fathomable comprehension. Come monkey with us and find out exactly why you need this in your life.