Why the Monkey Bike is King
June 12, 2019
Category: Monkey Run
We asked Mr Tom, founder of The Adventurists and inventor of the Monkey Run why monkey bikes are rather nice. He looked at us like we might just have slept with the Pope and said…
Humans stood upright and we all thought that was quite good. And then nothing. Nothing quite as monumental happened to humankind until the 1970s. At which point, in a child’s amusement park in Japan, homosapiens evolved. Into monkey augmented humans.
The perfect blend of organic and mechanical. Exoskeletons are a dweeb’s soggy blanket. Tanks are for the insecure. Bicycles are for the overly enthusiastic. Fuck all that. Get yourself a monkey bike. Because when human butt cheeks merge with the magical plasticated support of a 49cc sudo-bike the joy fairies spaffulate upon the Earth and everything just seems great.
“I had a crash – that’s ok I’m on a monkey bike.”
“I’m stuck in 6 feet of sinking sand – bloody marvellous, I’m on a monkey bike”
“My arm fell off – weeell, probably only takes one to drive a monkey bike so that was just dead weight and I’m now travelling 0.5 mph faster.”
“My wife left me for a donkey, took my house, all my money and set fire to my y-fronts – thank fuck, more time on a monkey bike.”
See literally everything is better.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I always knew this. I assume it’s some genetic memory passed down to all people born after our great-leap-forwards in the 70’s. But it was indelibly branded into my brain-slush within seconds of folding myself onto my first Monkey, turning the key and realising the engine was so shit it barely had enough power to idle.
And then, by jove, it just got better. Because I was staring down the barrel of a Monkey Bike adventure. I think the difference between riding one and riding them on an adventure is like watching a lion on a smartphone on the far side of the room and being thrown to the lions in a Roman amphitheatre. Riding the Monkey on some farcical long distance adventure is like the planets aligning and the universe bowing down to a completed life form.
They are just so much bloody fun. And the more rubbish they are the better it is. They may not go uphill very well and fall apart if you hit a pebble but all the while it doesn’t matter because you and everyone you pass is smiling. And for all their shitness somehow they just keep on conquering the terrain. They are nothing short of genius.
So if you’re a human you need to get yourself onto a monkey bike and set forth into the unknown. Right now.
Have you done it yet?