The Almighty Monkey

What this diminutive bundle of joy lacks in size, it more than makes up for in unadulterated pleasure.

  • It's close to the ground, so you don't have far to fall.
  • It's about the size of a rollerskate, so will fit through tiny gaps in traffic.
  • It's incredibly light, so when it inevitably breaks down it's easy to carry.
  • It's mechanically basic so a chimp could fix it.

If a gigantic all-terrain dual-sport bike is a way of announcing to the world that you've got a tiny willy, a monkey bike serves to remind folk that you're hung like a donkey or lady donkey. 

A powerhouse of style and function, these little monkeys are the undeniable champions of any terrain and any condition. You also look cool. Really, really cool. Whether you're broken down in the city or in the desert these bikes are the perfect accessory to any attire.

Lightweight and standing somewhere in the region of knee height, these bikes are designed with nimbleness in mind. As a cost saving exercise, the wheels are as small as physically possible, which makes hitting large bumps a fairly abrupt way to enjoy the ground with your face.

You’re sort of spreading a wave of joy and happiness in your wake as everyone behind you bursts out laughing
— Mr Tom

Both of these design features coupled with the laughable power output contribute to the safety feature of being already nearly on the ground and probably not going very fast when it inevitably all goes wrong. To top it off since you're basically sitting on the tarmac it feels like you are travelling at unbelievable speeds under 20mph.

They have a super handy luggage rack over the rear wheel which can easily hold your wallet and maybe your keys (probably best to stick to three of four keys).

These bikes are completely impractical. That’s why you don’t see thousands of them driving up and down the country. It’s because they’re useless.
— Mr Buddy