If you’re reading this from a country that experiences cold, wintery weather as a seasonal standard, it will probably make no sense to you that when it snows in the U.K, we completely lose our shit and start buying up all the stock of Heinz spaghetti hoops and Tunnocks Caramel Logs.
The reasons are simple. Ever since Charles Dickens and those winters we had where the only way to keep warm was to wear a top hat and sit around a warm, toasty candle, the industrial revolution, war, the car and computer servers have all contributed to warming our climate and in turn, seen off any decent dump of the white stuff on our fair shores.
So when it does arrive, standard practice in the U.K is for media outlets to insight panic using words like "chaos" and "threat to life" while the rest of us use even the lightest of dustings as an excuse not to go to work, then watch the news and listen to stories about people getting stuck on motorways for 8 hours and wonder "why didn't they take a day off work? Idiots". It's all a bit disorganised and silly.
Red severe weather warnings are currently in force.— Met Office (@metoffice) March 1, 2018
One in the central belt of Scotland for continued #snow.
The second for parts of South West England & Southern Wales where #StormEmma will bring significant disruption from heavy snow & strong winds https://t.co/MonNExfjlv pic.twitter.com/IbV7TbrLZn
*An example of how we lose our shit (above)
So, what with our substantial experience in cold weather climates, we thought we would share our expertise on how to survive this great big winter shit show in 5 easy steps. Read carefully, this could save your life.
1. Buy one of these
It's called a Ural and it will ensure you can get to the supermarket to buy your supply of Heinz spaghetti hoops and Tunnocks Caramel Logs. If they’re out, you’ll have to head to Lidl and buy their own brand. You poor bastard.
2. Get a pipe
Why breathe cold, freezing, horrible air when you can breathe warm, comforting, snuggly smoke? (Warning, smoking causes cancer. Actual cancer. Don’t smoke, just pretend or get one of those bubble pipes or whatever.)
3. Dress appropriately
30.6 layers is recommended to avoid shrivelled genitals.
4. Avoid boating
You'll just be disappointed.
Most importantly of all, be safe out there.
* This public service announcement was brought to you by The Adventurists. By following this advice we in no way guarantee your safety and will not be held responsible if you freeze and/or die, hurt yourself or get cold hands. If you do something stupid and blame us, we won’t take the blame, however, do please send us a video.
Inspired by The Ice Run. Go on, take a look...