The 2015 Mongol Rally - Shameless Clickbait

The Mongol Rally. It takes gumption and the most swollen of metaphorical balls to undertake the drive from Goodwood to Ulan Ude in a shit heap with wheels. Luckily, we know a whole fuck-ton people who want to. 

There are only three rules: your car has to be shit, you have to raise the cash for charity and please don't call us ever. The phones make our heads hurt.  You'll get nothing else from us except our approval if you monumentally fuck up. 

So switch off Google maps. Brush up on your Kazakh. There is no going wrong.

We will champion the fuck-ups, the boldest and always, the broken-downs. We love a team who spend more time with their heads under the bonnets than dodging the potholes on the road. These teams are the most ingenious and the devious. And this year's rally has been full of the best. 

To prove that there is something better than post-sex bacon, we bring you our top ten moments from the first five weeks:
 

1. The Torched Porsche

We like to think of ourselves as pretty chilled. Generally, we think that rules are there to be broken and we are looser than a prostitutes' knickers about them being bent.  

But we are pretty attached to our own rules and especially the one that says the rally cars have to be shit-as. There was some office grumbling about that arbitrary law getting the steamroller treatment from Team Mongolf.  Determined to take their 1986 2.5l Porsche 944, we stretched the rule to the limit in the face of their spectacular £25,000 fundraising success.  

But they got more than their comeuppance when 'Shirley' exploded in Turkmenistan. It took her 90 minutes, but she burnt to a shell in one of the most politically uncomfortable countries in the world.

In case you think we are revelling in their misfortune, you should know that the team has flown to Bali to recover. Bet you don't feel for them now. 

 

2. The Bribe Dodgers

Bribes are a bag of balls and suckers pay them. Luckily, our ralliers are not your roll-over package holidayers. 

Got off a $150 USD fine in Serbia for driving with my headlights on at 2pm because I told the cop I was Australian.
— Jordan - Team Samuel L Yakson
Converted a $250USD ‘penalty’ with three days in jail down to three cans of Czech Beer.
— William - Team Anserimates
Got $50USD that another team paid as a fine BACK from the cops in Turkmenistan. We traded it for three Amsterdam cigars.
— Papu - Team Ndanka

Thoroughly laudable.


3. The Tattoo

Tattoos are well cool. Especially if you were drunk when you got it. And abroad. And you get the team-logo of a team you're not on. Russell, ladies and ball-bearers, has a full house. 

Russell has come home after paperwork problems but he picked an excellent team to support. The Dropbears broke down in Mongolia and hitched to the finish line like proper champs. 

 

4. The Transfagarasan. On a tiny pink bike. 

"From above it looks as though every great corner, from every great racetrack in the world has been knitted together into automotive perfection." Thats a quote from the moist scrotum of a human some people call Jeremy Clarkson. 

On this occasion, it would be tough to argue with him. The Transfagarasan Highway probably is the "best road in the world." 

Of course, when Top Gear did it, they went for an Aston Martin DBS Volante, a Ferrari California and Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4 Spyder. 

But once Mr Scrotum, the Human-Crash-Test-Dummy and the May-But-Not-Brian see how Team Tuk-Tales went down it, boy will they be jealous:

Vi nådde delmålet på 7500nok så Morten syklet.støtt vår sak på http://innsamling.kreftforeningen.no/kfarbeid/5-2271

Posted by TukTales - Mongol Rally 2015 on Thursday, July 23, 2015

 

5. The Shit Oldies

Last year we changed the rules to re-allow older cars on the Rally. We are unbelievably smug about it now. Just have look at these guys. We've got a Morris Minor, a Reliant Robin a Trabant P, Ligier Ambra and a Midget and they are all doing really fucking well:

An honourable mention in this category has to go to 2 Tees Please for this masterful negociation for their Morris Minor: 

Nick fitted a window in a lesbian commune in exchange for the car. The last time it had been on the road had been to protest against nuclear weapons in the early 1980s.
— Micrateers

Bargain. 


6. The Launch Party Nude

We had some corkers for parties this year, but the Launch gets an honourable mention because it involved nudity. On camera. And then our sign fell on him. Comedy gold. 

 

7. The re-appearance of our sign

Every year we lose something at the launch party. Usually it's your typical combination of keys, underwear and dignity. Last year, we lost a finger.

Specifically this finger, spotted in 2015 in Turkmenistan. 

Nice to see you again old friend. Looking pretty sharp. 

 

Did we say there would be ten? Yeah, we lied. So call our mums. 

Our ralliers are champs. They are the new kings and queens of the world. They have recycled their underwear, dodged fines and bent coppers. They have resisted the lure of McDonalds and 5*hotels because they know they'll be stuffed with more dicks than a public school toilet. They have made us unbelievably proud.

And for their reward? We are going to forget about them and move on to next year.

Reckon you're ready for a jaunt to Russia? Have at it:

 

 

You can still follow the 2015 action on FacebookTwitterLive Tracking Map and here on the blog.